Alone

Alone

Sometimes I'd rather be alone

to stand up strong to every foe

to show that I can hold my own

a single solitary force

When others come I creak and groan

I complain for I'd rather be alone

I don't want them here

I don't need them here

I can do it on my own

But when they leave

I cry

tears fall from the sky

and sting me as I wait

all alone

Perhaps I'd rather not be alone

As I sit in solitude waiting

I notice all around me

is a force that never moves

For in all weathers, it shields me

protects me even if not completely

even when I am alone

He is near me

Sometimes I yearn to be alone

perhaps not to fight every foe

perhaps not to prove a point

but just to reflect

relax

enjoy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took this picture when I was in college on the Auburn University campus.  This poem is inspired by Mama Kat's workshop.

If you want to see the before and after edit of the shot check it out here -- Before and After

I also linked my poem up with The Southern Institutes new blog hop -- What's on your heart?

Renewal wedding

I picked this theme this week:
2.) If you could do your wedding over, how would you do it?


For me, this really isn't an 'if'.  I am totally planning to do my wedding over ... ok, not really, but I am planning a Vow Renewal, hopefully in 2012.  


My wedding was super small, like only close family and close friends.  It was planned in a couple of weeks.  It rained, so the service had to be moved inside.  Oh yeah ... and I was 8 months pregnant.  However, I do love the colors in my bouquet and on my cake!

This next time around though, I'm going to wear a white dress ... like one of these:

and I'm going to have bridesmaids standing with me ...

wearing these totally cute dresses ... or something like that ... my goal is to have a dress that they would want to wear later in life!

and I would have decor something like this ...

but you know the one thing I would not change?

my dear sweet husband!


My color inspiration came from here:

my florist totally rocked!  It was the one thing we splurged a bit on, and they hit the inspiration right on the head!

My Tattoo

I saw this prompt at Mama Kat's writer workshop...and I just knew what I was going to write about!

4.) The world is going to come to an end unless you get a tattoo that covers your entire back. Describe the tattoo you’ll get.


I have wanted a tattoo for a while!  I've been kinda planning it out since college.  I want a cross with the words faith, hope, love and grace around it.  I want a heart on the cross and a crown of thorns.  So...I sat down and used auto-shapes to draw out a crude rendition of a tattoo that I want.  Well...I'm not sure I would want it on my whole back...but if the world was ending ... go for it!

Andrew said I could make the cross prettier.  He's right ... considering I used auto-shapes on word to draw it!  So the place that I would want it would be on the inside of my wrist, but I want to be a teacher and I'm pretty sure that is not cool to have showing tattoos.  Maybe I could wear a bracelet or a watch so its not quite as noticeable?

Well...what do yall think?  I want opinions here!!!!  You know...with a prettier cross and all :-).  Do you think I should hide it somewhere else?  If so...where?  I'm not too keen about the small of my back, or my ankle.  And then I had so much fun making a tattoo, so I designed my own blog background and template!  Yay for learning new talents :-)

No one ever asked me...

No one ever asked me to start having sex in college before I was married.
     But I did it anyways…

No one ever asked me if it was ok with me to get pregnant out of wedlock. If I was strong enough to handle it. Did I even think this could happen.
     But they did ask me if I was ready to be a Mom. At that time the words stung and shocked me.  I didn't want think about it; I didn’t even want to consider it.

No one ever asked me why I started missing classes in college. Why I wore huge bulky sweatshirts in May. Why I missed the weekly Bible studies I had attended for so long. Why I locked myself in my room for hours on end, eating away my emotions.
     But you know what, I didn’t want them too. I didn’t want to face the judgment, the shame I knew was coming. I wouldn’t have to if I hid in the dark.

No one ever asked me if I was scared.
     But I was. So scared I flip-flopped everyday on whether adoption or marriage was the correct answer. So scared I cried myself to sleep at night on my pillow.  I would've lied to them anyway.

No one ever asked me if I truly loved Andrew.
     But I hope no one had to. I hope they could see if on my face. I hope they don’t think we only got married because it was forced on us.

No one ever asked me how they were to act around me. How they could accept this mistake from me.
     But I was blown away with the love that flowed my way when I stepped out of the shadows. I am forever grateful to those friends and families.

No one ever asked me if I loved my Leah.
     But I know they could see that in my face, in my eyes, in the way I lived my life.

No one ever asked me what I’m going to do with my story now.
     But I thought about it. I’m going to share it. I’m going to laugh about. I’m going to cry about it. And maybe one day I’ll be able to share it with other young girls. And maybe one day I will affect someone out there.

No one ever asked me if I wanted my life to turn out this way.
     But it doesn’t matter. I love the life I have been given. Sure, it can be complicated. Sure, we have our struggles. None of that matters because it is my life, and I always remember that God never hands you anything you can’t handle.

Brought to you by prompt #5 from Mama Kat's workshop...5.) Why didn’t they ask you? Write a list of 5 or 10 sentences that begin with the words ‘No one ever asked me’; then, write about one of them in detail, or use them all in a poem, or use several in a personal description of yourself.

A letter to heaven

So, I'm taking a bit of 'creative liberty' with Mama Kat's prompt #1: Write a letter to yourself from someone who has passed on. (ie: parent, grandparent, famous person, friend, pet, etc)
I am writing a letter to someone who has passed on from me.  This post is written to my friend Matt Miller who left life very soon and very young.

It was a bright sunny Saturday.  I had no reason to be sad.  My mom called, a pleasant surprise.  But what she had to say, I didn’t want to hear.  What she told me knocked me down to the ground.  No, not you.  No, that’s not right.  It can’t be.  No.

I spent the next few days thinking.  About our friendship.  About how you were always there for me.  My physical memories were from a time too far ago.  It had been too many years since I had seen you in person, felt your embrace, lost my breath as you squeezed me into a massive bear hug.  But my virtual memories were so near.  24 hours before, we talked.  We shared words over the internet, virtual hugs and congrats; deep thoughts and funny sarcasm.  My virtual world is not the same without you.

We traveled down 3 hours to see you.  All I could think about was the last time I made this trip.  You called, being the voice of God, leading me towards the light in Tuscaloosa .  We didn’t get together that trip, life was too busy.  We promised to get together next time.  I guess next time will be in heaven.  I waited in line to see you.  I bounced a baby on one arm and watched my other baby run, dance, smile and laugh.  She entertained for you.  I cried again.  They will never meet you.  So many people, waiting hours to say goodbye.  So many broken hearts.  But they wouldn’t let us cry.  No, we must be happy for you, why is it so hard sometimes?

You looked so peaceful.  I wanted a hug.  I needed a hug.  I had my husband, my babies, my parents, your mom, your dad,  your brothers, and your friends.  We all hugged for you.

I broke down in the car.  A 2-year old shouldn’t have to see that, but then a 25-year old shouldn’t have to leave so soon, so unexpectedly.

I sang for you.  It wasn’t that good, too many tears.  But I sang for you.  I smiled remembering the times we stood in the same space.  The jokes you cracked to make a long, hard practice seem so fun.  I laughed with the stories that were shared.  I cried because you loved so well.  Everyone spoke about how the ‘common bond’ was Alabama , love of sports and such.  Haha, nope not us. That was a source of constant jokes and insulting.  What we had went deeper than a sports team, or a college.  Now, that once hated squiggly A can move me to tears.

Why did everyone tell me how much you loved me?  I know that, I always have.  I hope it’s the other way around too.  I hope you knew how much I loved you.  I fear I never said it enough.

Now, your words are taped on my fridge.  Your memories always on my heart.  Your family in my prayers.  I cry in the dark.  I turn the light off so no one sees my tears.  I don’t want to make anyone nervous.  I'm not sure how to grieve. We are too young to know how to comfort, or do you really every learn.  I know you’re having a grand ole time in heaven.  I know that, but I miss you here.  Its not fair, and I don’t think it will ever be.

But I live with your influence in my life.  Not only do I live for myself, my husband, my children.  I now live for you, too.  You have impacted my life, and I live to carry on your memory and your cause.  

I love you.

-Christy

This post is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Matthew Miller.

**Pictures lovingly stolen from Facebook**

To read the post I wrote after the funeral click here

To learn more about Matt and his life check out his website at UMCMatt

13-0!

Mama Kat wants to know about my trip...so I'll tell ya! and what better way to tell about a trip than lots and lots of pictures!

**I can't get the Writer's Workshop button to work for some reason.  Imagine it here**
In 2005, I (with the Auburn University Marching Band) headed to New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl! A bit of background for you losers non-football fans...Auburn was 12-0 as was USC and Oklahoma. We were passed over for a chance to play for the National Championship. We ended the season undefeated, but have never been able to claim anything for it. So needless to say, I am a huge advocate for some sort of playoff in college football.

Welcome to New Orleans!  After a long drive on the bus with lots of people, we finally arrived at our destination! 

Don't I just look thrilled to be on the bus, lol!

Yeah...being with the band gets you some free swag!  Check out my super bright orange hat!  But we all wore them, lol.  We also got free long sleeve shirts, which we also all wore.  Man, we are so cool...But going on trips with the band is not all fun and games and free entrance to the game.  No, we practice...alot...and do pep rallies, and parades and practice...

See how we are all wearing socks?  Yeah, we had to practice in our socks so we didn't mess up the precious astroturf of the Superdome.  Wanna see what was all over my socks?

See...those black specks in the "grass"?  Yeah, they are little foam rubber bits and I swear I was still pulling these off my socks three years later!

Practice makes perfect...or so someone claims...

So after practice, parades and a pep-rally, we get some time to ourselves, yay!

This is a picture of us on a big board.  I guess they thought we looked cute in our matching shirts.  Hey, don't judge, the band told us to match!

So, the 'fun' ongoing joke with my friends was to take pictures of people when they didn't expect it.  And I don't mean like someone standing across the room.  Nope, I mean when someone is just chilling right next to you, go ahead and take a random picture.  Or ask that person to look at something on your cell phone and snap a picture then...

See Sean hiding a grin.  That's because he knew he was going to get me good, lol!  I got tired of that pretty quickly.  Plus, I'm not really the biggest fan of having pictures taken of me.

But after all the fun and games comes time for the big event...Game time baby!

Here comes the team!

We had litteraly the worst seats ever.  We were stuck on the floor...even with the football feild...with cheerleaders and players blocking our view.  So, we watched the whole game on the big screen.

There's Tommy!  Tommy Tuberville, of course :-)

War Eagle, Hey!

I love this shot!  Look at the intensity of the fans!

We're #1!  We're #1!  We beat VA Tech 16-13 to finish 13-0!  Undefeated! 

WAR DAMN EAGLE!!!!!!!

Now, sit back and listen to a little bit of Glory to Ole Auburn!

p.s...here's a fun little gem.  This trip was about 2 months before I met my husband, but I snagged a picture of him on this trip.  Look at him in the center there, hanging all over those girls, all cocky and cool.  hahahahahaha!

p.p.s (or is it p.s.s?)...my husband and I both marched in AUMB but didn't meet until halfway through my sophmore year, so that's why he was on this trip too. 
Hope you enjoyed my trip down memory lane!

The Story of a Little Pink Heart

There once was a little pink heart. She lived in her little world, surrounded by other pink hearts bathed in a white light. She loved living in her world no matter how naïve she was perceived, until one day she encountered another heart. This heart was different. He was smart. He knew of another world, and he wasn’t pink. He wasn’t really any color, but he was intriguing. So, she ventured out of her familiar world on an adventure all her own.

The white light walked with her. It surrounded her as she met many other hearts. Some of these hearts were pink, green, red and even black. Some hearts were larger than others. Some were too small to even notice. Some even hid their true colors behind false coloring. One day, she decided the light was too bright, and started to build a wall to keep it out of her world. Once her wall was complete her world was not dimmer, but somehow brighter. The little pink heart noticed things she had never seen before, colored heart she had never noticed. And what fun she had in this new world.

Then one day she started growing. Her color started changing. Layers upon layers of multi-colors were added onto the little pink heart until it was hard to move around. She could not even remember why she entered this world. That was the day she ran into her wall, and determined it had to come down.

She pulled at the bricks, but they barely moved. She punched them, kicked them, and screamed at them, only to discover taking down the wall was a lot harder than putting it up. The white light shown through the cracks, but wasn’t what she remembered. It was harsh and bright, and she turned away from it. The now big heart hurt from removing the bricks, and tearing down the wall.

And then a break-through occurred. A portion of the wall fell down, and the white light came streaming in. It welcomed her back into its embrace. She looked at her larger self. She wanted that little pink heart inside to come back. She didn’t want to be this larger ugly heart. “Where, oh where is my little pink heart?” she screamed to everyone and no-one. But the light helped her. It helped her not to hate the layers and the colors, but that she could turn them back into a pink heart. And while she would not be the same as she started, she would be bigger and larger and have more room to love and share and help inside of her.

So everyday this little pink heart inside just will not quit. It radiates through each layer and each color. And the bricks on the wall slowly fall down. The now larger pink heart sees a new world again, and this time basked in the white light, loves and embraces every part of it.

This post was inspired by Mama Kat’s #1 writing prompt; “The heart that just wouldn’t quit”.

Love Hakiu

Directions: You can learn more about Writer’s Workshop here….it’s never to late to jump in!! Here is what you must do:

• Choose a prompt that inspires you most.
• Write.

I chose this prompt for this week:

5.) Write a poem to your love for Valentine’s Day. :)

I've been through alot in the romantic front. I think every other guy I dated before my hubs was super romantic. They surprised me with little notes here and there. Made mixed tapes...I know right...of love songs. Wrote notes they passed me in the hallway for me to read in class. But yet I fell in love with the least romantic one of them all. Sometimes love is simpler than we make it out to be. So, I have written a simple 17 syllable haiku. As a poetry reminder, the first line has 5 syllables, middle line 7 and the last line 5. A simple way to express what can be a pretty complicated emotion.

Oh how I love you
Your eyes make me smile and sigh
Passion overcomes

Writer's Workshop - Freak out moment

I have never really thought of myself as an excellent writer, or even a good one. It is something that I would love to expand on though. While really getting into this wonderful world of blogging, I am impressed with everything that I have found! I started this as just a way to keep family members who didn't have facebook (like my parents) in touch with our little family, but I have found a world of mommies, crafters, brides, and everyday girls who make my world a little bit brighter!


So today, I am taking Mama Kat's challenge and writing on prompt #2. This is also inspired by Jennifer from Momma Made it Look Easy's recent post of her daughter's burn and her writing workshop post


2.) Explain a time there was an emergency. What “mode” did you go into? Freaking out, calm and collected, etc.


This past December Leah burned her arm badly. I had just returned back to work from maternity leave, just getting into the swing of things with an 8 hour work day, a 2 yr old and a newborn. Andrew was at work, and I was making dinner for Leah. Tonight was hot dog night, and she was super excited about them. All I wanted was some hot chocolate. I heated the water in the microwave for my hot chocolate, removed it when the timer dinged, placed Leah's hot dogs in and turned around to grab a mug. Well, Leah thought her hot dogs were done and reached up to grab her Princess plate from the counter. The plate hit the cup of my scalding hot water which spilled all over the counter and down her arm. She screamed and slipped on the water. I thought she hit her head until I bent down and noticed her arm alreadying swelling.

Turn on mommy mode. I had to help her now. I ripped her clothes off, grabbed a towel and soaked it in cold water to take all the burn out of her arm. I wrapped the towel around her arm with another cooling in the sink all the while telling her it was going to be ok. My inner self was not ok. Inside I was bawling, freaking out and feeling my daughter's pain. I would like to think it didn't show, but my hands were shaking so much it was hard to hold onto anything. Everytime I changed the towel on my sweet girl's arm she would respond "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much" through her tears. Always polite, my little baby.


Somehow I managed to wrap her in a towel and call my husband to come home now (we only have one car). I also called my father-in-law who is a manager at a resturant and knows how to manage burns. We determined that she needed to go to the hospital and quickly. Oh yeah, forgot to mention the newborn who has awoken in her swing and is crying along with the two of us. I couldn't go to hospital because Audrey didn't need to sit in the emergency room. It broke my heart. Once we got Leah bundled up as best as we could and on her way to the emergency room, I broke down. I sobbed and craddled the only baby left at home. I sought comfort on facebook and the prayers and kind words that flowed in helped calm my nerves.

Why did Andrew go with her and not me? Because he is better at these kind of things, and he really is. He remains calm all the time. I freak out. I try so hard to keep it together for her, but I can not stand to see her in pain.


She did wonderful at the hospital. She had first degree and some second degree burns. She kept repeating "doctor make it all better" That saying continued everytime I asked if she was in pain. They gave her some morphine for the pain and sent her to the burn unit to have it scrubbed and treated. While the morphine was kicking in, Andrew snapped some pictures.

Don't you love the fact that her clothes don't match at all. The cast was so she wouldn't pull the IV out.

While she was on morphine Leah:
-said "Leah wanna spin!" and she did
-heard other kids crying and looked seriously at Andrew..."I hear people." "Shush people."
-whenever the doctor appread proudly screamed "Doctor make it all better!"
-wanted to play with the bubbles on her arm
-thanked everybody and repeated Yes at every question asked

Needless to say, we both survived the ordeal. She still has scars, but the doctor said she would grow out of them pretty quickly.