Apparently I said the words out loud as I popped up in the bed, drenched from another nightmare.He slept there soundly; another of my night terrors was not enough to wake him.His snoring rumbled off the walls, and I knew sleep was not a returning option and work was only a few hours away.With a heave of my exhausted body, I swung my heavy feet onto the cold floor and drug myself over to the computer; the best time wasting invention.
My hands clicked the mouse and before my foggy brain could understand, I was on his page again; the website that upset me, even though it shouldn’t.There on the front was the picture of him and her, happily posed in the cheesiest of ways.No originality with those two, no creativity, that’s what I brought to the table in our relationship.Whatever, I would give the world to stand in that cheesy pose and wear his ring on my finger.
This Saturday, the little countdown widget in the corner mocked my pain.The insane thoughts entered my head again; the ones that include being a stripper at his bachelor partyor bumping into him and making him love me again.They could make a movie out of our story; make millions and live in wealth, happiness and love forever.
I could hear him stirring the bedroom, the lump that stole half my bed most nights, but at least he came in handy in the dark after a night of drinks.I had to keep him around though, continue to sweetheart him till Saturday.He was my ticket into the wedding; the start of my movie and probably the end of my life.
The days passed and the countdown widget subtracted numbers by the second.Crazy thoughts came and passed; crazier thoughts stayed around and played in my subconscious.The hours were closer now, and I stood preciously putting makeup on not for my date, but rather for the groom.He escorted me in the front door, and I ditched him; an excuse about the bathroom or an old friend or don’t wait for me or just get a good seat … I’ll find you.Whatever the excuse, he was gone now.
I came in the door and asked to be seated on her side, that way he could see me when I stood up and appreciate the time I spent looking good for him; and then he would love me again.The escort sat me down in what presumably looked to be a singles aisle as the only other person was a man sitting alone; a handsome man of olive skin and green eyes.The crazy thoughts fought to shove the green eyes out and replace with the sky blue ones that would soon be on the alter; the sky blue eyes that I should be looking into.
The handsome guy approached with a friendly 'Hi' and smiled at me; such a smile, looks to be from a magazine.My heart raced as I extended a clammy hand for him to shake.I didn’t need this perfect smile and trim body to distract me; I must focus on my plan, my grand plan, and the start of my movie perfect life.
Thankfully the music started and talking ceased.The procession of the older family started and my heart raced to the point of passing out, and then he appeared.He seemed to materialize out of a cloud sent from heaven.He was a knight, a prince charming, an angel sent to make my life better and erase the pain of the past few years.He stood tall and strong and his crystal blue eyes seemed to look into my soul.And then, his head turned.His eyes moved away from me and my heart cried out in pain.My eyes followed his and there she was.
She walked down the aisle.She took my spot next to him.My heart speed as the time neared.The pastor spoke, but not the words I needed to hear.A parent spoke, a mother cried, but nothing mattered until ‘if anyone knows of a reason these two’.
My legs went weak as I found my feet to rise up with.Time became stuck in honey as my body lifted off the seat.My eyes closed as my mouth opened and the words I had practiced for days danced towards my tongue.
Then I felt my butt fall back on the carpeted pew.I felt my feet come off the floor and my mouth snap shut.I felt his hand on my arm, pulling me down and his lips near my ear as he spoke in an almost inaudible whisper.
“Don’t say yes.”
At that moment, I knew the crazy had left my body.I would always love that groom, but not in the way he needed.I looked into the green eyes next to me and saw comfort not judgment, acceptance not horror and an understanding that would take me years to extract from him.
The tears welled at the corner of my eyes threatening to explode at any second.I let my body sink into this stranger next to me, and I felt a feeling I had not experienced for years.A peace that caused me to cry, a peace that caused me to understand, a peace that caused me to move on with my life.